Do You Really Need Someone Else to Complete You?
We all fell in love with “you had me with hello”, and with “you complete me!” in the film Jerry McGuire…but I often hear the claim that we don’t really need to find someone outside of us to complete us, or to help us feel whole.
There is this very prevalent notion that we can somehow become whole, happy, content people without depending on any love or fulfillment coming to us from the outside.
I have to say, that though this may seem like an appealing approach, because it frees us from being dependent on anyone else, it is totally unnatural!
The truth is that we have needs, in fact, we have a hierarchy of needs: from food, sex, and family to money, power, appreciation, and knowledge. In all of these needs, we need something or someone outside of us to complete us.
We are dependent on the plants and animals we eat, and on other people to have sex and build families with. We need our societies in order to make money, be appreciated and to learn from.
It’s true, no man is an island! Our very existence is one of interdependence on others and our environment. As social creatures, our happiness depends on the positive relations we are able to create.
However, we are living in times in which our individuality is becoming more and more pronounced, and parallel to that, we are not learning the skills of relationship.
Even people who find “their other half” and enter relationships and marriages so often get disappointed and divorced, it’s no wonder that we have determined that we must get by without relying on anyone else to feel whole.
The natural response to this disappointment is that we back out of these relationships, adhering to the notion that we can get along just fine without them, and make ourselves happy.
For those who have not found a partner to share their lives with, the promise of being self fulfilled is likewise tempting.
But this is not something we can really do. Our nature is to be in relationship with others, we are social creatures, and deep down inside, we need them!
Even though being “needy” has become a negative thing in our culture, needing others isn’t something to be embarassed about, it’s a natural aspect of who we are.
What we do need is to understand why our expectations that others would complete us are not being answered.
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If we looked at things from a higher perspective, we would see that we are actually experiencing these disappointments, not because we are not meant to complete each other, but because to do so, there are deeper levels of connection we need to reach.
All of these failures at relationships are pushing us to venture out and get to know ourselves better, to develop our awareness and our emotional skills. Because to form happy fulfilling relationships we need to learn a lot about our nature, and about how to build true soulful connections.
Here are a few things that can help you do that:
1. Talk A lot. You need to talk to each other a lot in order to get to know what your partner needs and wants. In this way you can mutually learn to treat each other the right way.
2. Understand the ebb and flow of relationships. Relationships have natural dynamics to them. We go through waves of closeness followed by distancing. Usually we think it’s something we’ve done, or we blame our partner, and that sets us up for disappointment. What we need is to learn how to ride these natural waves and constantly show affection and love towards our partner above that.
3. Conflicts are a way to increase the love. Sometimes the distancing involves a downright conflict. And that’s fine. Conflicts arise in every relationship. Even in the best spiritual relationships. But they can help us see where we need to hone our skills of connection and improve our communication. Once again, we need to see that the conflict itself is our mutual enemy and not our partner! If you join forces in overcoming the separation that showed up naturally in your relationship, your love will get stronger each and every time.
4. Learn to love the other as they are. Our tendency to want to change the other person is part of our ego driven need to control things and have them go our way. If we want to achieve a happy, soulful connection we need to rise above our ego and accept the other as they are.
5. Your partner is your mirror. When you see their faults, you are seeing your own lack of love. Because as they say, “love is blind”. When we are totally in love we don’t see flaws. So when you do see the flaws in your partner, which is inevitable, you should realize that you are given a chance to increase the love and acceptance. Just as you accept your own faults, know that your partner has them too, and they need you to love them for it.
6. Take your relationship higher. Though you may enjoy the physical, emotional and mental rapport with your partner, the real magic happens when you want to develop your spiritual connection. This is a more internal connection that takes place when both people want to love the other and fulfill their needs and wishes to their best ability.
These are some of the principles that can guarantee a good, deep, and even spiritual connection in your relationship. This is the right way to feel whole with your partner, and to feel that they COMPLETE YOU. It’s not something that happens automatically, it’s not a codependency, it’s working to achieve a more internal connection and a higher love which we can only achieve together!
Share your thoughts down in the comments!
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This is great, thanks for sharing!
I love these tips! Good Job!
Thank you Shandel!
Great post! Learning about self love and self sufficiency is very important. We are the ones who define ourselves, not the people we are with.
Thanks!We do have the responsibility to be as loving as we can be..but we can only learn how to do that in partnership! <3
Great post Tal! It’s so important to apply these principles to all relationships, especially now when we’re so divided.
Thank you Maddi! These are principles that are actually easier to learn in a peer group! Romantic relationships are the arena with the most challenges (and potential). So applying it in society may be the best way to heal our romantic relationships too!
I don’t depend on my partner in the relationship. I only want him to be honest and true full.i want a relationship that we both are committed to not just me alone.
You are right Jacklyn, you do need a partnership where both partners are committed. Why do we want that? Because we want to create a shared reality of love, connection, and happiness. In that sense, we depend on having a committed partner who wants that too. We still take responsibility over our actions, emotions and attitudes within the relationship- as should our partner. But it’s in the work we do together, to create love that is greater than both of us that lies our greatest potential for happiness!
Iam or try to be close to my partner; but I always get push away; right now we are in diffent bedrooms.
She wants it, I please her. IDON I DO NOT LIKE IT.
I WANT TO AVOID ARGUMENT.
Women and men often have different libidos. Women have many hormonal changes that can influence this. Try to be understanding and create closeness through conversations about your goals for the relationship