How to Transform Conflict in Relationships into Greater Love

Love, such a warm fuzzy feeling encompassing you. You feel secure, happy and euphoric. There’s nothing like love in relationships to make you feel at home.

And then it happens. You have something on your mind that’s bothering you and you want to talk to your partner about it. You bring up the topic quite innocently, unaware that you are about to step on a landmine and set off an intense emotional chain reaction.

Instead of answering your question as you expected, your partner dismisses the very notion of your query and relates to it negatively.

You are offended and try more strongly to explain to him that it is important to you.

The more you try to explain, the more he stands his ground, and the more his point of view makes you angry. Words turn into blame, and emotion replaces your sense of reason. You default into criticism, clamming him up-

And there you have it: Hate.

In a matter of minutes, without much warning, love in relationships can become hate. The person most close to you becomes the most distant.

Your shared space is now a war zone.

You can’t stand each other’s presence. Your egos want to erase the source of angst now threatening your sense of self.

The inner mechanism constantly calculating your gains and losses just can’t bear to lose.

How on earth, did you go from being two love doves to enemies, in a flash?

Is it hormones? Is it just that time of the month?

Or is it communication skills, his lack of empathy, your insensitivity?

Over the years I realized that it’s none of the above. There is something else at work, of much greater significance.

The Laws of the Network

For a long time, I studied the patterns love in relationships. I noticed how love and hate, connection and separation would come and go in unexpected ways. Like a volcano erupting or a hail storm, an argument would pop out of seemingly nowhere and leave destruction in its wake.

I noticed that I was not in control of this ebb and flow, that just like the powers of nature, like the weather, my relationships were also influenced by these hidden forces.

After having fights with my partner I often discovered it wasn’t just me. Friends around me were also experiencing similar things.

Something was going on here that was beyond my own private emotional life.

For years Social Psychology has been saying that though we think we are living separate, independent lives, we are in fact influenced by the social network we are part of in ways we cannot fathom.

We influence each other through the network with our behaviors, thoughts, emotions, our love, and hate.

So whenever we feel upset, negative or imbalanced, it’s really no coincidence.

Beyond the circumstances of whatever we are fighting about, and as convincing as the supposed reason for being angry is- there is a network in which we all live that is influencing us in every moment.

My anger and frustration is the result of negative emotion going around the network.

It gets even more interesting because according to the wisdom of Kabbalah, which is a science of connected systems, the network also has a life of its own!It is ruled by the law of love, and like a great super-organism, it‘s undergoing a process of development, and it’s taking us with it, towards greater interconnection and eventual harmony.

The pressures we feel are this network’s way of pressing us towards higher levels of connection.

It creates these dramas in our lives as a way to make us grow.

This is where we need to be very aware of how the system is operating on us.

We mustn’t for a moment think that what is happening to us is a matter of coincidence.

We must remember that any event, good or bad, and especially hate or turmoil is really coming to us from the network…as an invitation!

It’s an invitation for growth, and for greater connection.

To read more about why conflict arises in our relationships and the best tools to resolve it, download my free guide!

Growing with the Flow

When you remember that what you are experiencing is not yours at all, but coming from a higher system of which we are part, you attain a special awareness that allows you to divert your anger and work above it.

Instead of attacking your partner for his behavior, you don’t relate to what’s happening directly. Instead, you go above it.

You resist your automatic response, to convince, to protest, to blame or argue.

And when both of you make this effort to resist your automatic response, remembering where everything is coming from, and for what purpose- something amazing happens!

Above the layer of resistance that you created, a new quality of love and partnership appears.

Just as in any battery, plus and minus connect with a resistor between them.

This is nature’s mechanism for creating energy, and power.

Thus any relationship can turn into a powerhouse, taking the negative inputs, converting them and infusing the system with positive inputs in return.

In this way, all the other people who are connected to you will receive this power which will make it easier for them to remember this game and work above their anger too.

The Step by Step Guide: How to Turn Hate into Love in Your Relationships

Here are the summary and step by step action plan.

When negativity appears in your relationship:

1. Realize what’s going on. Whenever a negative situation evolves within your relationship, remember- it’s not YOU, and it’s not THEM. It’s an OPPORTUNITY you just received from the network, to discover more love, and GROW as a couple. 

2. Don’t believe your subjective perception. Once you have acknowledged that what is happening is no one’s fault, try to rise above the blame that may be going on within you towards your partner. Remember that however things may look right now, however bad (rude, insensitive, mean or repulsive, etc, etc.) your partner may seem to you, this is temporary!! It is just a passing state, which will completely change when it is over. Don’t buy into it. 

3. Resist the temptation of automatic responses. As hard as it is to avoid it, trying to solve the situation by explaining, convincing or demanding to get your point across is mostly futile. Remember the whole point of the situation is to resist the hate and discover more love. The mission is to rise above the situation. Not to get riddled in the details. Later, once the emotion has subsided, you can talk to your partner about what is important to you in the relationshipRight now though, resist the urge to criticize.

Read more about correcting how you respond to your partner in my free guide-

4. Feel the freedom. Now that you are resisting your automatic impulses you should begin to sense relief from the situation’s hold on you. You have gained higher awareness.

5. Hug it out. Ask your partner for a hug, to show that you want to go above the situation. As you hug, sense that a new point of connection is created between you. The problem at hand has become your common enemy, helping you two unite and be more deeply connected to each other thanks to it.

6. Congratulate yourself and your partner! You have succeeded at converting hate into love, and the whole human network is indebted to you! 

7. Accepting failure. If you have failed somewhere along these steps, don’t worry about it. This process takes time to master, and often it takes many failed attempts in which you try to solve the situation “the regular way”, (which means trying to change your partner, or fight the situation away) which don’t work 99.9% of the time, to finally decide to work above it. When you have finally decided that nothing is going to work except for loving your partner as they are, and rising above whatever negative impulses arise in you, you WILL succeed!

A Time for Change

In our world today we hear about so much hate. Hate crimes, violence, divorce.. all of these are symptoms of a network of connection that is saturated with negative thoughts, emotions, and actions.

We must learn how to work with the negative forces within us, to make them work for us. These negative states that we undergo can actually benefit us. Love in relationships is deepened by such challenges overcome.  

This work takes practice. We need to change our wiring and learn to create love in relationships, above our hate. But once we master this science we can use negative emotions as an engine for positive transformation, creating balance and ripples of happiness all around us!

What do you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts down in the comments!

Related reading: How to improve your social skills in relationships

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Tal Mandelbaum Relationship tips, parenting and self development

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